I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
