The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
