And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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