Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
