i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
