Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
