Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
