I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
