Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
