In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
even my farts smell like vagina
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
