I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
