May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
