Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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