There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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