I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
