I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
