On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
