There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
