I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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