I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
