sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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