WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
