it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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