there's paper in my vomit.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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