I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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