I could make wine with my vomit
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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