literally had 100 drinks last night.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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