Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
