I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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