Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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