Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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