You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
