Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
