Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
