Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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