I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
