So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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