Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
