I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
