i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We need to feng shui this bitch.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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