dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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