there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
