I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
