At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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