Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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