I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
