I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
