Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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