Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
