Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
