I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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