Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
