So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
